I've Got A Little List

Scott Marley

From Diplomacy World #30

As someday it might happen I may have to stab a friend

I've got a little list--I've got a little list

Of players of Diplomacy who bother me no end

          Who never would be missed! Who never would be missed!

The clods who lay their armies on their sides, and then those chaps

Who borrow all your pencils and then mark up all your maps,

The timid young beginner who is innocent and shy,

Who doesn’t break a promise and who never tells a lie,

And hasn’t played a parlor game since Granny taught him Whist --­

They'd none of them be missed! They'd none of them be missed!

The fellow who writes articles to popular acclaim,

The self-made theorist, I’ve got him on the list!

He's much too busy lecturing to ever play the game --­

He never would be missed! He never would be missed!

The D-and-D enthusiast whose attitude is brisk,

Who glances at the board and says, "This game's a lot like Risk!”

The conflict simulations nut who likes his rules complex

And gets confused by games that haven't got a single hex,

The girlfriend of the host who says she wants to “co-exist”,

They’d none of them be missed!  They'd none of them be missed!

That Italy who opens with Lepanto every time,

The modern strategist, I’ve got him on the list!

The ever-faithful ally who thinks treachery’s a crime,

He never would be missed! He never would be missed!

The analyst of stalemate lines who never knows a flaw

And manages to make each game a seven-player draw,

The irritating fellow who, before he makes his play,

Must, check his little guide to see what Walker has to say,

I'll line them up in order and then give the blade a twist,

And they never will be missed!  They never will be missed!

(Adapted from: The Mikado)