Excuse No. 2

By Dennis Klein

From Diplomacy World #4

Sitting here at my desk staring at my calendar filled with deadlines for PBM Diplomacy games, and after thumbing through the first two copies of Diplomacy World, I decided to give the Great Lagerson Diplomatic Excuse Contest a whirl.

To set a few things straight, I have never come home late from a face-to-face game, so I was never pressed to have an excuse for my tardiness.  But knowing my little (size nine shoes) woman as I do, I can unequivocally state that it is not the excuse that keeps the bandages on the shelf and the iodine in the bottle.  It is the buttering up you do before you embark on a face-to-face game which counts.

The best way to soft soap the light of your life I not with a dozen flowers or some other outlandish item or event, but by just relieving some of the tension and pressure of her daily routine.  Before going off to work, you get up earlier and make breakfast.  If you happen to get off early or you have a day off, get down on your hands and knees and scrub the kitchen floor – then make dinner for you and your love.  (Or maybe those last two should be reversed).  When your little doll asks you to finish the lawn or do other yard work, don’t sleep in your hammock – do it!  Then when you’re done, take a bath before nuzzling up to her.  As a topper, start and finish all these projects you’ve been saving for a free day.  Patch the fence, oil the screen door, and wallpaper the basement.  Remember, it is all for your benefit as well as hers.

All these suggestions and more you can do to help your partner in life be a little more thankful for your presence.  And if that fateful night should occur, and when you try to sneak in at 3 AM, and she’s sitting there with an expression on her face like Attilla – a cupboard of dishes at hand – remind her of all the nice things you’ve done.  You just may save yourself a hospital visit.  But if all else fails, and she has a pot in her hand and is ready to make a pitch that would make Sandy Koufax look like a little leaguer, before it’s too late, get down on your knees, clasp your hands together, and resort to that age-old, never-fail (you hope!) standby:

“Aw, c’mon, Mom, I’m not that late!”